The 10 most annoying things as a London cyclist

10 – Cyclists who overtake at traffic lights, and then don’t accelerate.
So you’ve stopped at the lights. That is, at the lights. And are waiting like a good citizen. And then somebody on either a fixed-wheel monstrosity or the world’s cheapest bike has decided that, in fact, the line on the road isn’t where they stop. Where they stop is halfway across the pedestrian area, annoying the pedestrians. But that’s not what this is about – this is about the fact that they’ve barged past you. And then, as you pull away from the lights, you realise they cycle like your grandma (or they have no gears, the morons). And so as you accelerate you have to overtake them, sticking your arse in the way of the cars, or – alternatively – you end up held up behind them, waiting, waiting. Delaying you. If you’re a non-accelerating cyclist, please don’t barge to the front at the lights, eh?

9 – The phasing of traffic lights
There are parts of London which are already, pretty much, designated as bike routes. Ebury Street is a by-pass of some 3 lane nonsense around Victoria. A bike by-pass. So why, you wonder, are the traffic lights not phased to help cyclists in the morning phased for those going in to town; in the evening for those going out. Instead, they change apparently at random. Do the people in power not realise that it takes a huge amount of effort to accelerate as a cyclist, so to be stopped repeatedly is going to not encourage the cyclists. It’s not the same as in a car.

8 – Bike lanes that throw you out into massive traffic
All around Victoria and Hyde Park there are nice secluded, safe bike-lanes and bike-routes. And almost inevitably, there’s actually no way of getting from these to another safe bike-route. They will churn you out into Buckingham Palace Road or Park Lane or Bayswater. Unjoined-up thinking of the highest order. (I would also add also those tiny fractions of bike lanes, or the ones which go through trees and bus stops...)

7 – Drivers parked in the bike lane
Or, more to the point, bike-lanes that are single-yellow line, so cars are meant to park in them, which makes them completely redundant and very dangerous

6 - And those drivers who deliberately put themselves right by the kerb to block cyclists
Cabbies, you know who you are.

5 – Motorised vehicles in green advance cycle-bays at junctions
Moped-riders, in particular, you know who you are. I’m sure there’s a special place in hell reserved for you. Although, actually, worst of all are bus drivers parked in these spots

4 – Addison Lee vehicles
Historically, the worst driven vehicles in London were Evening Standard vans. These have been superceded by Minicab supremos, Addison Lee. They are driven shockingly.

3 – The Expensive 4 wheel drive vehicles on the school run
VW Touareg? Volvo XC90? Porsche Cayenne? Mercedes M? Range Rover Vogue? BMW X5?
All horribly driven by incompetents taking screaming brats to school, clogging up the streets, making life more dangerous for every other child. Bad. Bad bad bad. Bad!

2 – Bendy Buses
Enough has been written about these Leviathon-esque monstrous beasts of the road. All I will add, for now, is BURN THEM

1 – The driver who indicates as he is turning
Dear London Morons. Your indicators are useless when you are already turning. By then I am already aware of what you are doing; indeed, this is possibly because I am getting crushed under your rear axle. Your indicators are, actually, meant as a warning to other road users so they can prepare. If, for example, you are in a queue at some traffic lights and are waiting to turn left, and there’s a bike-lane inside, perhaps it would be wise to indicate as you are stopped and waiting, so Mr Cyclist can pull into the lane outside you. The funny thing is that it helps you, too, so that you don’t have to slam on your brakes as you notice a lycra-clad twat on your left.